CDC officially denies ‘Zombie Apocalypse’

The US Center for Disease Control has been forced to address the American public in the wake of internet rumors of a possible ‘zombie apocalypse”.

It’s hard to say which is more ‘out there’: that people believe there might be a virus that reanimates dead people, or that a federal agency actually weighed in on the issue in earnest.

The CDC has previously run a few tongue-in-cheek campaigns about zombies, using the popular theme to get the public prepared for “anything”. As the agency’s director says, “if you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack”.

But it’s now found itself in an unusual spot: having to treat the matter seriously. CDC spokesman David Daigle said the agency“does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)”.

But it’s not reassuring the masses. Zombie conspiracies are bouncing around the Internet, becoming the third most-popular search term on Google – all after a number of unrelated, yet disturbing, incidents.

A man in Miami attacked and ate the face of his victim. The victim survived, but doctors are having a hard time piecing his face together. Then, an engineering student in Maryland allegedly stabbed a man to death and then ate his heart and brain. In Canada, police are on the hunt for a porn actor who reportedly slaughtered, dismembered, sexually-violated the body and then ate his victim.

The cause for this cannibalistic outbreak is unclear – some blame drugs, others cite psychological issues. One woman even claimed it was all because of a voodoo curse. But the human fascination with the undead is not new; it’s one of the reasons the CDC used them for an awareness campaign in the first place.

And even though they deny the existence of zombies, a kit list on their website provides readers with information about everything they may need in case a zombie does come around.

So, in case you’re feeling panicky, remember: non-perishable food, medications, a utility knife, sanitation supplies, clothing, personal documents and one gallon of water per day should keep the undead away.

Compiled List of People-Eating-People Events
4-17-2012 – Man tried to bite another man, was stun gunned

5-02-2012 – Man bites girlfriends lips off

5-03-2012 – Man bites off another mans ear in bar fight

5-06-2012 – Man kills wife, eats her forearm and dies

5-18-2012 – Woman bites mans ear, stabs him with seashell

5-21-2012 – Police: Man bites woman’s cheek in Westchester

5-23-2012 – Cops: Man bites off tip of cousin’s nose

5-25-2012 – Woman attacked, cut, bitten by six women in Annapolis

5-26-2012 – Naked Man Eating Victim’s Face Shot And Killed By Police

5-27-2012 – Crazed Florida doctor facing charges for spitting blood on troopers during DUI arrest

5-29-2012 – Police: Hackensack man stabbed himself and threw intestines at officers

5-30-2012 – Swedish doctor cuts wife’s lips off and ate them

5-30-2012 – Chinese cannibal arrested for 20+ murders

5-31-2012 – Manhunt in Canada for man who dismembered/cannibalized/committed sex acts on another man

5-31-2012 – San Antonio woman kills 3 week old son, beheads him & eats his brain <-This is old, a update on a 2009 crime – thanks Klassfied!

5-31-2012 – Maryland man charged with killing, eating man’s brain, heart

5-24-2012 – Mao Sugiyama Cooks, Serves Own Genitals At Banquet In Tokyo 


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